Ode to Miss J

Due to some unforeseen but not entirely surprising visa issues, I find myself without my trusted nanny. I have always felt incredibly grateful to have her in our lives; but it is in her absence that I have come to realize just how much I relied on her. She was an employee, a support person, a co- parent, and a companion of sorts.

For many people, Friday brings hope of relaxation and rest. For me, Monday was that day. I knew that Monday would come and “Miss J” would arrive to help me care for Isaac and Naaman in a way that nobody else could. As the only other person who knew their day intimately- their sleeping and feeding schedules, their likes and dislikes, their quirks, and so on- I truly felt I could rest and relax a bit more once she arrived.

For several days following the realization that she would not be able to re-enter the country; I found myself tearing up at the mere thought of her. When I would read her and the boys’ favorite Dora the Explorer book (one that only she would read to them) - I would feel tremendously sad. The cynic in me said "well of course you’re sad- you lost your freedom and flexibility", but that wasn’t it. Instead, I felt a bit like I had lost a member of my family; and more than anything I was just sad for the boys. They loved her very much; and one day- she was just gone.

The fact that we are repatriating to the US and would eventually have to say goodbye anyway, has not made this loss easier for me. Yes-I had entertained the scenario a few times in my mind, but I would also quickly shut it out and reminded myself that the day would come on its own. So when the day came earlier than expected; I wasn't prepared for the physical or emotional loss to our family.

It's taken two solid weeks, but I think I have found my footing without my trusty side kick

Repatriation: Pause No More

In my previous post, (also known as a momentary rant or blogger mental breakdown) - I asked the question “am I in China or am I in the US?” Rhetorical in nature, this question is a simple reflection of a less than simple process we repatriating expatriates face. Following me here?

Life is in a strange state of pause and motion at the moment. I had been working very hard to remain present while living here in Shanghai; and just when I decided to give in a little and focus on our repatriation to the US, things changed course. This combination of events put me in an unusual place.

To keep in step with my philosophy on life- I decided to regroup and focus on our lives here in Shanghai once again. Phil and I took a look at some things that were in need of change, and decided we weren’t going to put them on hold any longer.

The majority of the “things” we had been delaying were child related. When moving in 3 weeks, it made sense to leave the remaining sleep issues, eating issues, and baby sleep locations alone until returning to our new time zone. But now that we were going to be here for 7 more weeks, we realized we couldn’t function the way we were any longer.

It turns out that after all of the delay and dread, the great big monsters (in my mind) were the smallest of mini beasts. After only one day, Naaman joined his brother in sleeping through the night. I couldn’t believe how truly simple it was and how ready he was to make the transition. It made me realize a lot about parenting and the ways we get into our heads and hearts to our detriment at times.

Other than a host of parenting lessons I have learned in this process- I have also learned about the ways we hold ourselves back. You don’t have to be moving to another country to put things off. We all put things off for reasons we think are good and valid; we convince ourselves it is easier when more often than not, it creates a long term pause or problem. I have decided to adopt a famous line from a sleep training “guru” known as The Baby Whisperer and apply it to other areas of my life as well. When Tracey Hogg says “start as you mean to go on” there is wisdom beyond just what we do with our children. I may be late to the start portion of this, but from here on- I will certainly attempt to live life today as I would like to live it tomorrow, next month and a year from now.

Variable or Focus (you choose the title)

I am having an impossibly difficult time writing these days. I have far too many things on my mind as there are far too many variables in my life. Am I in the US or am I in China? What do I focus on and how do I begin to focus? With so much on my mind, it is difficult to prioritize thought and put it into any sensible form. So there- that's my blog for today.

Repatriation: Pause

The landlord agreed that we could stay an additional month here in our apartment... so it's official. We will be staying in Shanghai for a bit longer. May 13th is our new repatriation date.

Just as I was imagining life in Michigan and focusing my thoughts in that direction, it all changed. I'm not surprised and I'm not all that upset either...just a little frustrated by the back and forth and the certainty followed by uncertainty.

I will just look at this as a little pause in the process and added time to accomplish our "Bucket List".

It's a beautiful sunny day here in Shanghai, so I am going out to lunch with some friends at a Xinjiang restaurant; and if I have time I will follow that with a visit to the camera market.

Repatriation: Change of Course

I'm not sure if it's a coincidence or a message from above, but I do find it amusing that less than five hours after I decided to shift my thoughts slightly more toward home, we got word from Phil's boss that he wants us to stay in Shanghai for an additional month. At this point we're not even sure if it's possible, but we have to try.

This sort of last minute change is nothing new to our experience here; in fact, it's been the norm. This is yet another reminder to me that being present in the moment isn't just an important element in savoring life's moments, but also in maintaining sanity.

Now let's see if the landlord will let us stay an additional month...

Repatriation: Tension

We had our first phase of meet, greet, and assess- the- belongings with various moving companies yesterday. They descended on our home eager to seem competent and capable and ready to quote the job. With each new face came a growing dislike for the process and a reality that we were in fact moving; and very soon. 

I have spent the better part of our time left here in Shanghai focused on living here in Shanghai. I have been so entirely present in this moment, so focused on living up the last moments and doing all that I can before I leave that I have completely ignored the major moment in my immediate future. So when moving company number one came to assess our items for shipment, a slightly sick feeling grew in the pit of my stomach. By the time moving company number three arrived, the poor guy could have served me chocolate dipped strawberries while rubbing my feet and I still wouldn't have liked him or his company.

I have a dilemma and I am trying to figure out how to approach it. Currently, I find myself in a very strange place emotionally; stuck in a tension between wanting to remain in the moment here, and a desire to start planning for our repatriation to the United States. There is a grieving process involved with repatriation that seems like it will sting slightly less if I start to sever ties, focus on the US, and grow more annoyed with the things about China and living here that many of us struggle with. These are the things many expats tend to do as they prepare to leave. It just seems to make things easier. Whether it truly does or not, I don't know; but I am tempted to think it might and more tempted to give it a try.

In the Moment

I've been trying to write this post for well over a week now. Every time I sit down at the computer and prepare to share our big news, I get "side tracked". I realize that I am avoiding the inevitable so I have committed to getting this written today. (I won't mention how many days ago I wrote that sentence.)

Several months ago we decided that it was time for our family to move on from Shanghai, and as a result we have accepted a position that will take us back to our home country. In short, we will be repatriating to the US in less than 2 months.

It’s difficult for me to fully grasp that our time in Shanghai is coming to an end. And while the temptation is to begin distancing ourselves from the people we love so that we can somehow "soften" the transition when we move, we are doing the exact opposite. With only 6 weeks of our journey here remaining we are focusing on spending time with our friends and completing our "Shanghai Bucket List". Being present in the moment is a discipline I have found very helpful in maintaining perspective on life and growth in relationships with people- particularly while living the expat life.

So for now, I live in Shanghai China with my husband and our twin sons.