Saturday, October 1, 2011
As I sit here and search my brain for words, I find myself entangled, struggling to locate ideas among the cobwebs in my brain. The sense of triumph and accomplishment that came largely from the nights cleaning binge begins to wane; and the reality of my life and the fatigue that I feel hits me.
The last four months have been a struggle on many levels. I have moved from a foreign country where I lived in acute awareness of my "foreignness" every single day, back into my country of origin- where I feel oddly fit and slightly foreign still. I have moved away from my friends and a community that I came to know, love and rely on over the last 4 years; and I have entered a country that I no longer fully understand. I have become a mother to twin toddlers (toddler hood being a phenomenon that feels almost like birthing another set of children); and I have purchased a home that has required remodeling every square foot. It's been difficult to breathe, let alone gather myself enough to go through the process required by a person when they re- enter their home country after living abroad.
If it feels like I have been talking about this for a long time, it's probably because I have been. Our decision to purchases and remodel our home added an unusual delay to this entire process. Instead of digging in and spending time with old friends and trying to meet new ones; every extra minute has been spent working on this house. It's stunted the process for us and I fear it has dragged this whole thing out longer than needed.
I have been back in the US for close to 5 months now and I still feel like I am repatriating. All of our home goods are either in storage or laying in wait from China. I continue to live out of the 7 suitcases we brought with us from Shanghai back in May; and as the season change approaches- our complete lack of warm clothing is just another reminder of how behind we are.
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